I know this one will resonate with a few folks. I’m writing today about that curious dulling sensation, that trance of auto-control and routine that blurs out details and subdues our senses in a cloud of numbness. I am of course talking about that feeling of sluggish response when you realize that your whole being feels switched ‘off’ – but you know your need to switch it ‘on’.
I feel that’s a decent place to start – a reasonably dull explanation of a series of complex feelings and sensations caused by rote routine. That languid mire of being that frays the nerves and causes a sweet but distinctly discomforting sensation of floating through life.
I find myself drawn, as if to a siren’s call, into those dangerous rocks and that endless abyss relatively often. It’s a risk related to the coping mechanisms and behavior patterns I’ve developed over the years I suppose. It’s something I know every other living being has felt at some time in their life and in it’s own dark way, it’s enveloped in a sweet tantalizing temptation.
I think people actively seek it using controlled substances but I personally can’t stand it. It seems like such a waste, like a surrender to failure.
I suppose that’s a pretty personal take on it – but it ties strongly into my understanding of intellectual and personal motivators. After all, a healthy fear, distrust, and dislike of losing yourself in a muddled fog of unclear thoughts is an excellent impetus to switch your mind back into the ‘on’ position.
For me it generally takes a jolt – something deeply thought-provoking or active. Reading a passionate fantasy author is one way. Burying myself in one of my projects is another. But my favorite is enveloping myself in words – literature, poetry, philosophy, thoughts, meditations, explorations of the human condition, and our place in the universe. That little touch of eternal human curiosity drives away the clouded murk. Swirling lines of fire trace across my skin. Whorls of amber, gold, silver, blue, purple and red spread across my mind opening chambers brimming with bright thoughts, arguments, unfinished explorations, unbridled curiosity, and a lust to explore and understand. Just like that, I’m back ‘on.’
The world is alive again! I’m in the moment, focused and open to the smells, colors, and sensations of the day. Yet it’s a constant struggle. No sooner have I attained awareness, than the cool, cold, numbing practices of routine begin to automate and categorize. That dulling auto-pilot begins to snap back into place – breaker by breaker.
That’s part of the joy of existence right? Fighting to be aware, alive in the here and now – to be scintillated by the world around us but never allow ourselves to be stunned and enthralled in the yoke and chains of monotony and predictability.
I think so… 🙂